again, i wait.

the streets didn't seem the same last night.
something was missing.
walking faster so that i don't feel lonely; so that i'm not painfully aware you aren't by my side.

pay at the door, some guy stamps my hand.
i slip in the back and stand against the wall until the lights come up again.
and they do.
smiles and familiar faces.

but i want you there beside me; to bend down and whisper into my ear what you are thinking.
and when the band is no good, i want you to know exactly which look in my eyes means "let's leave". no questions asked. you just grab my hand and lead the way through the crowd until we are outside sitting on the curb and talking.

we moved outside, the group of us, to talk.
we talk music - an obligation, considering the guys just got offstage, and i used to play with them.
and i sound, for the most part, intelligent. giving good feedback and such.
being witty when appropriate, and realizing how much i missed individual senses of humor, and body language, and just the way they all interact.
and i'm completely at ease, feeling no need to impress. it is the guys afterall, not to mention that they are all married now.

but inside, i'm feeling empty.
i want to feel a little nervous, to be more careful with my words because i know you are listening and hanging on to each and every one of them.
still at ease, because you are gracious.
because sometimes all i have to do is breathe to fascinate you.

we say our goodbyes as the boys head back into the club to gather their gear, and i walk back to my car, alone.

i want to head to the car and just keep walking, because i'm with you and want to make the most of every minute.
i want to wander those streets with you until they start to empty... to know that the drive home will be spent with you, not thinking of you and talking to someone else.
when i get lost, i want it to be because i was paying too much attention to you to be mindful of exit signs.
not because i'm feeling too numb to care about getting home.

most of the time when i am lonely, it's not a general sort of loneliness, but me missing someone in particular.

in short, your absence was the strongest presence felt last night.

5:47 p.m. - 2003-04-20

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